This weekend, I got a 90-minute massage.
Take a minute to be jealous, and then listen up because during my little slice of heaven, I had a revelation.
During my massage, I was thinking back over the past few months. I’ve mentioned that I have sort of felt lost lately. In a funk maybe.
When I get a massage, it’s my time to think. No one is talking to me, no one is rushing me, no one needs anything from me. It’s such a place of rest and peace, and I usually use this time to have a little chat with Jesus.
Those chats are usually all over the map. Sometimes I work out some frustrations and ask some rough questions. Sometimes I just get overwhelmed with gratitude for all the wonderful things in my life.
This time, though, it was more like this pleading with Jesus to just show me where I am. What’s going on with me? Why am I in such a weird place?
And Jesus answered.
He showed me that something exciting has been happening lately.
I’ve been waking up.
Not just in the morning, because that still doesn’t quite happen as regularly or as quickly as I’d like.
But I’m waking back up to who I am as a person.
I’m pretty much out of the haze. Out of the insanity. Out of the physical exhaustion that is having babies.
Growing them, giving birth to them.
Feeding, clothing, carrying, changing tiny humans.
Teaching them the basics of speech, going potty, walking, eating.
Now we’re in a whole new phase. It’s a much more verbally and mentally engaging job, rather than physically challenging.
We all sleep all night.
Everyone is capable of peeing on their own.
Every member of our household is able to get dressed by themselves.
And as a result, something strange is happening.
I’m waking up.
Have you ever seen the movie “Blast from the Past”?
It’s been like that.
When I hunkered down in the bomb shelter of babyhood, it was the 1960’s, and when I finally surfaced decades later, it was a new age with all new customs, phrases, inventions, and styles of clothing.
When I went under, “selfie” wasn’t a word used in everyday conversation
Before I left civilization to become a mom, the first iPad had not even been released yet.
The country was in the beginning of a financial crisis that would send the country into a tailspin.
Harem pants were making a comeback.
The president of the United States was George W. Bush the day I went into labor, and the day I came home from the hospital, Barack Obama had moved into the White House.
Now that I’m starting to come up for air, it’s like I’m learning things all over again.
When Brendan Frasier’s character, Adam, surfaces from the bomb shelter where he was born in the 60’s, his first taste of the new world is a rough part of L.A.
He’s shell-shocked at first, but then, after fumbling around a little bit, he sees some more of life, and he starts to get his bearings.
I feel like in the last few months of realizing that I’m in a new phase of life, I’ve been in the shell-shocked stage. I’m looking at the world and realizing that it’s much different than when I left it what seems like decades ago.
I am different.
Yesterday during my massage, I realized that I’m finally ready to start finding my footing again.
I’ve been memorizing Galatians 6 this year as one of my New Year’s goals. My favorite version has been the version from The Message translation. One of my favorite things that it says is:
This is where I have resolved to start today – making a careful exploration of who I am and the work I have been given. And then I want to sink myself into that.
I’ve come up for air.
I’m no longer drowning in parenthood. I’ve finally gained the strength and ability to swim.
Now it’s time to figure out who I am again. Who is this new woman I’m supposed to be?
She’s different than she used to be.
She’s more experienced, has more wisdom, and is more confident.
She’s seen battle, and she’s come out the other side stronger. She’s grown humans and now she gets to enjoy them.
She has new passions, new desires, and new things that break her heart.
She has a different purpose.
She is a Spartan.
I’m realizing that in this new stage, I have a lot more time to be productive. I eat at the same time everyone else does. I can shower in peace. They play in the backyard on their own for quite a while before they need anything from me, and even then, it’s a brief request.
It’s time to start using that time to make a careful exploration of who I am.
It’s time to set Martha aside and let Mary have a turn.
I want to meet this new girl. Find out what she’s all about.
And then sink myself into that.